My mom died of cancer 5 years ago. Most days I don’t think about it, but today her life and death were front and center in my mind. Nature has a funny way of revealing things about your true character. It illuminates things that were so hidden away inside of you that you didn’t even know they were there. At least, that’s what happened to me today at the grand canyon.
There’s this place on the canyon called the Grandview Trailhead. It’s a steep trail that you can hike all the way down to the bottom of the canyon. I was so excited to go hiking with the family. Once we got out there I realized that I had underestimated the steepness of the trail.
I don’t want this to be a drawn out account, but I’ll just say that every step was increasingly precarious the further down you went. As we went down I was holding Widget’s hand and CM was holding Midget’s. My hand started to sweat from the heat and I really began to panic. I worried that if he slipped he go right through my fingers.
The entire time we were hugging the side of the canyon and the trail was, at most, 2 feet wide. During his homeless days CM had hiked down to the bottom with a group of friends, so he was fearless as he descended. We stopped for a water break under a tree and then the fear really set in.
CM sat right down on the edge and the kids were right behind him. I managed to take a photo as CM’s request. Then he wanted to take video so he wasn’t holding their hands. I was too terrified. I could barely look up let alone move. I realized that if either of my babies fell over the edge, I would have to follow them. I know it sounds crazy, but I couldn’t let them go down alone.
Eventually, emphasis on “eventually”, CM realized I was scared and he said we should head back up. There was only one problem: I couldn’t move. My heart was pounding and my legs felt like jelly.
Once I got enough resolve to stand I started to hike back up. Very slowly and noticeably terrified. My son kept telling me, “Don’t be scared, mommy.” and he kept asking CM if I’m an adult why am I so scared? I definitely felt humiliated and weak that I was showing my children how afraid I was.
Which brings me back to my mother. My mother had been sick for a very long time starting from when I was a teenager. Even up until the day she died I never knew how sick she was. Afterwards, I realized it was because she hid her pain from us (my siblings and I). I was really mad that she did that for a long time because I think if I would have known, I would have really tried to make the most out of my time with her.
Today, for the first time, I understood why she did what she did. You don’t want your children to see you as weak. You want them to think that you’re Supermom and that there’s nothing you can’t handle. Maybe my kids still think I’m Supermom, Even so, now we all know what my kryptonite is. We are almost out of the park now and my heart is still pounding and I am embarrassed when I make eye contact with them.
…Maybe somethings are better left hidden. I want to crawl under a blanked and disappear.
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